But i can't compete

Why?.....

Been using my laptop almost daily recently but i don't know how to put all my thoughts into words here. My mind has been a total mess and i find myself wondering and questioning at all the things that happened and never happened.

What ifs...
What if we never met?
What if i didn't went clubbing that night?
What if i didn't get drunk?
What if i didn't text to thank him?
What if we didn't continue our conversation?
What if i stopped myself when i realize i'm falling for him?
What if we didn't go out together?
What if we never talk again?
What if we are back to being strangers?

My thoughts......... i wish i could let them all out to someone. But then reality slaps me hard in my face. It really did. No one is gonna be there for you at the end of the day, no one is obliged to. I shouldn't be mad or even disappointed when they are not there for me. In fact i should be mad and disappointed in myself for letting myself to be in such a situation.

I'm at the edge of losing myself. I'm actually wishing that tears would actually come out but nope, none. And that's the worst of all. I want to cry and let all the emotions i've been keeping inside me out, dry my tears and really move on. But no tears..... none. I don't know what's wrong with me. Why am i always repeating the same mistakes. Why am i stupid. Why.